been a month plus since i updated this blog...
i have lots to write... lots... but sometimes i just couldn't pen them down...
its hurts to write some of the times...
granny had left me on the 6 of dec... finally she is letting go of us... finally she is going to somewhere where she don't experience any more pain...
doc updates us regularly... from telling us granny might last 2 weeks to 2 days just a day apart..
her condition had gone downhill really fast...
when doc mentioned it to me that the condition is not good.. i can't hold it anymore and break down.. doc says i must be prepared...
when i received the call from my brother telling me that its really not on the good side... i cried with my heart out.. never did i cry to such a point....
granny was close to me... even closer than my mum.... we shared a special bond between us...
now that she is gone, the more i should live my life, i shouldn't be sad anymore... i should let her go peacefully... not to worry about me...
The Last Breath..
i choose to stayed behind on the wed night... i plan to go back the next morn and it will be my bro turn to stay over..
i was half asleep and wake to check out on granny...
surprisingly she was not really sleeping and toss about in bed... she said she can't cough out the phlegm.. she was oredi weak that day..
i get the nurse to give her a jab instead of drawing out the phlegm to ease her discomfort...
i thought she can sleep with the jab but she didn't... she was tossing left and right and tell me that she is not comfortable... i went to get the nurse again.. this time when i back, she is breathing hard and slowly... i called my bro and dad immediately and i keep asking her to wait... but she didn't... she didn't manage to hang on...
she left us... my heart pains to see the last sight of her...it still coming back to my mind even now..
did i make the wrong decision not to draw out the phlegm, if i would have allow the nurse to do so, would she be still around now??
i keep asking myself this question...
did i make the right decision...
Dec 13, 2007
Oct 4, 2007
Tired and Stress..
01 Oct 07
Quarrel and quarrel, that is what I do almost every other day.. Relation with him is so strained that I am really tired to even talked back or get agitated..
He don’t accept a whole lots of things… no matter how much time I spend telling or explaining to him, he never understands or even try to..
He only wants compliance..
Why can't he just understand??
Quarrel and quarrel, that is what I do almost every other day.. Relation with him is so strained that I am really tired to even talked back or get agitated..
He don’t accept a whole lots of things… no matter how much time I spend telling or explaining to him, he never understands or even try to..
He only wants compliance..
Why can't he just understand??
27 Sept 07
27 Sept 07
Today was the doctor’s appt and I brought my granny to see Ben (doctor)..
Her condition was not good and her feet started to swell, just like before..
Her stomach seems to be bloated and you can see that its quite big for her frame..
After examining, Ben told me that her condition is worsening..
The swelling resulted coz the water can’t flow out of the body.. in another words the kidney is not working well..
Stomach is getting bigger coz there is water retention in the stomach..
Granny was actually 4kg heavier now, not because she puts on weight but the water inside that adds on..
I hate the appointments, no matter now well I prepared myself, I was caught off guard.. I hold back my tears as much as I could when the doctor told me.. the jokes from the doctor did helps.. Probably he sees my tears building up…
Prepared and prepared is all that I can do.. there is really nothing that I can do to help.. Nothing I can do to change anything.. NOTHING!
Today was the doctor’s appt and I brought my granny to see Ben (doctor)..
Her condition was not good and her feet started to swell, just like before..
Her stomach seems to be bloated and you can see that its quite big for her frame..
After examining, Ben told me that her condition is worsening..
The swelling resulted coz the water can’t flow out of the body.. in another words the kidney is not working well..
Stomach is getting bigger coz there is water retention in the stomach..
Granny was actually 4kg heavier now, not because she puts on weight but the water inside that adds on..
I hate the appointments, no matter now well I prepared myself, I was caught off guard.. I hold back my tears as much as I could when the doctor told me.. the jokes from the doctor did helps.. Probably he sees my tears building up…
Prepared and prepared is all that I can do.. there is really nothing that I can do to help.. Nothing I can do to change anything.. NOTHING!
Sep 25, 2007
17 Sept 2007
she seems to be getting weaker nowadays..
she is feeling more and more tired... this is not a very good sign..
guess the positive effects from the radiotherapy had gone off.. it had been 3 months till now..
i went lunch with her..
we then went for kopi.. she chatted as usual.. telling me alot of things.. from family to herself..
she had been pondering whether to go back to macu for a visit when the last visit to the doc, he had advice her that she is able & fit to travel..
but now, suddenly she changed her mind,she told me now that her condition is not tat good, she is not able to enjoy if she went back to macu. she think she will be stuck at auntie house as she will not be able to go for a walk or drink as freely as in here..
i felt that she really wants to go back for a visit but her condition forbid her..
whatever reasons she had to go back , i'm not too sure... probably to see auntie and cousin..
last time whenever we asked her to go tour, she will say she still need to work, can't afford to take off for so many days..
but now when she wants to go, she can't...
life is always full of uncertainty, we live our life, wat we wants to do, wat we dream, we shd go ahead and try to fulfil them,we don't know wat will happen tmr.. we shdn't live in regret..
i realise that her stomach is getting bigger, its far too big for her small frame to carry it..
her arms are just bones as i can see... there is not much flesh..
her weight is getting lighter and lighter..
for a while, i forget she is sick.. i live life normally, treating her normally..
now i am being pulled back to reality again... to face all again..
its really hard for me to cope...
i pray that she experience no pain..
she is feeling more and more tired... this is not a very good sign..
guess the positive effects from the radiotherapy had gone off.. it had been 3 months till now..
i went lunch with her..
we then went for kopi.. she chatted as usual.. telling me alot of things.. from family to herself..
she had been pondering whether to go back to macu for a visit when the last visit to the doc, he had advice her that she is able & fit to travel..
but now, suddenly she changed her mind,she told me now that her condition is not tat good, she is not able to enjoy if she went back to macu. she think she will be stuck at auntie house as she will not be able to go for a walk or drink as freely as in here..
i felt that she really wants to go back for a visit but her condition forbid her..
whatever reasons she had to go back , i'm not too sure... probably to see auntie and cousin..
last time whenever we asked her to go tour, she will say she still need to work, can't afford to take off for so many days..
but now when she wants to go, she can't...
life is always full of uncertainty, we live our life, wat we wants to do, wat we dream, we shd go ahead and try to fulfil them,we don't know wat will happen tmr.. we shdn't live in regret..
i realise that her stomach is getting bigger, its far too big for her small frame to carry it..
her arms are just bones as i can see... there is not much flesh..
her weight is getting lighter and lighter..
for a while, i forget she is sick.. i live life normally, treating her normally..
now i am being pulled back to reality again... to face all again..
its really hard for me to cope...
i pray that she experience no pain..
Aug 20, 2007
Doc appt & Aunt Visit
it had been long time since i last blog..
sometimes i don't wish to pen them down..
i don't wish to remind myself..
Grandma condition had been stable.. everything is just as fine..
doctor advise her to go on tour if she wants for this is the best time for her...
i know she wanted to...
Appointment was fixed two months apart forh doctor believe her condition will be stable for now..
The long awaited aunt visit..
Aunt (grandma eldest daughter) and my cousin came on the 30 July 07 together with three kids..
soon, the house was filled with laughter and joy... grandma was happy to see them.. at least i should say reunited for the last time... coz aunt lives in Macau and cousin live in korea.. it will be hard to see them unless to travel, which will be difficult for grandma..
nevertheless the trip was a fruitful one for grandma gets to see her great grand children, all three of them.. and able to take care of them.. there is also alot of time spend between my grandma & aunt...
after they left, the house become quiet, everything back to normal...
My mum and grandma's close frd passed away... so sudden...
the other time i still saw her... she is still well and shopping with the daughters... but things do happen...i heard she don't want to leave for she still worry about the son or something...
i hope when the day really come, i will be prepared for it... she will leave with no worries...
now i count each day as a blessing that i can still see her...
I hope the best for her....
sometimes i don't wish to pen them down..
i don't wish to remind myself..
Grandma condition had been stable.. everything is just as fine..
doctor advise her to go on tour if she wants for this is the best time for her...
i know she wanted to...
Appointment was fixed two months apart forh doctor believe her condition will be stable for now..
The long awaited aunt visit..
Aunt (grandma eldest daughter) and my cousin came on the 30 July 07 together with three kids..
soon, the house was filled with laughter and joy... grandma was happy to see them.. at least i should say reunited for the last time... coz aunt lives in Macau and cousin live in korea.. it will be hard to see them unless to travel, which will be difficult for grandma..
nevertheless the trip was a fruitful one for grandma gets to see her great grand children, all three of them.. and able to take care of them.. there is also alot of time spend between my grandma & aunt...
after they left, the house become quiet, everything back to normal...
My mum and grandma's close frd passed away... so sudden...
the other time i still saw her... she is still well and shopping with the daughters... but things do happen...i heard she don't want to leave for she still worry about the son or something...
i hope when the day really come, i will be prepared for it... she will leave with no worries...
now i count each day as a blessing that i can still see her...
I hope the best for her....
Jul 27, 2007
22/7/07
Grandma had been living well for the past few weeks, her appeptite is getting better, she eats more now...
she seems at ease though i don't know what is she really thinking most of the time... i tried my best to do whatever i can; things like getting what she loves to eat,drink, accompany her for breakfast, kopi... but there is only that much i can do now... i wish i had done more then... i fully understand that there is no point in dwelling over things that i did not do for her in the past, except to do whatever i can now if time permits...
sometimes i regretted...
Aunt will be coming of the month, hope it will liven up her spirit...
Doc's appt coming thursday, shall hear what the doctor have to say...
Grandma had been living well for the past few weeks, her appeptite is getting better, she eats more now...
she seems at ease though i don't know what is she really thinking most of the time... i tried my best to do whatever i can; things like getting what she loves to eat,drink, accompany her for breakfast, kopi... but there is only that much i can do now... i wish i had done more then... i fully understand that there is no point in dwelling over things that i did not do for her in the past, except to do whatever i can now if time permits...
sometimes i regretted...
Aunt will be coming of the month, hope it will liven up her spirit...
Doc's appt coming thursday, shall hear what the doctor have to say...
Jul 12, 2007
8 July 07
Today, grandma was in better mood..
Ever since cousin and aunt came last friday, she had not accompany them even for a kopi downstairs.. She keep saying she not going coz its unconvenient..
She drank her favourite kopi, chit chat away with my aunt… she was joyful…
Its had been some time she talked so much and laugh so much..
She was joyous to see my aunt (her brother’s eldest daughter).. she flew to here just to see her after knowing she was sick… Probably this will be the last time she see my grandma…
Grandma scimp and save most of her lifetime… she never really enjoy herself… now she said even when she wants to eat something good, she can’t… saving up so much money is for no use now…
For the past few days, she seemed to forget that she is sick again… talking to my aunt about recovery, this and that… its not a bad thing either, this way, grandma will live happier instead…
She is getting thinner now, her arms is only bones with the loose flesh dangling… she was not like this last time… It really pains me to her getting thinner day by day… the cancer is eating her bit by bit…
There are nothing I can do… I feel so helpless in time like this…
I’m afraid her condition will deteriorate very fast…
Ever since cousin and aunt came last friday, she had not accompany them even for a kopi downstairs.. She keep saying she not going coz its unconvenient..
She drank her favourite kopi, chit chat away with my aunt… she was joyful…
Its had been some time she talked so much and laugh so much..
She was joyous to see my aunt (her brother’s eldest daughter).. she flew to here just to see her after knowing she was sick… Probably this will be the last time she see my grandma…
Grandma scimp and save most of her lifetime… she never really enjoy herself… now she said even when she wants to eat something good, she can’t… saving up so much money is for no use now…
For the past few days, she seemed to forget that she is sick again… talking to my aunt about recovery, this and that… its not a bad thing either, this way, grandma will live happier instead…
She is getting thinner now, her arms is only bones with the loose flesh dangling… she was not like this last time… It really pains me to her getting thinner day by day… the cancer is eating her bit by bit…
There are nothing I can do… I feel so helpless in time like this…
I’m afraid her condition will deteriorate very fast…
Jul 3, 2007
28 June 2007
My heart was beating fast….
as if I’m the one waiting for the report… the wait was short but i actually felt so long…
today we went back as scheduled, doctor said she was responding well to the treatment..
I’m glad… she is always so strong…
Doctor asked her again whether she knew why is she sick… surprise to us, she forgotten…
She forgot everything pertaining to her illness, even though the first time she was the one who asked the doctor and she knew but the memory somehow get erased from her mind…
Doctor(Ben) told her again her condition and this time round, he told her it’s the advance stage, there is no cure… grandma kept quiet and then told Ben that why is she healthy all along, until now she gets sick… she said out of patients who got cancer, all will die…
Ben was trying to make her positive, he tried by telling her we all got to die someday… no ones know when will that be… it’s a long way she live till now, then got sick, she live quality life throughout the years rather than being sick…
Somehow grandma looked troubled, she seemed to have a lot of things going through her mind again like when the first time she knew her condition…
Ben said its normal for patient to forget that they had terminal illness… patients like my grandma who feels well won’t accept the fact that she is sick…
There is nothing more the doctor can do for her… radiotherapy is the last option that can prolonged her life… the rest very much depend on herself… the treatments are not meant to cure her but meant to make her feel better so as to live the remaining days more fruitful and living quality time till the last moment…
It hurts to hear what the doctor say… its just like waiting to die… waiting for the day to come… even she is old and lived till now, was she not afraid of dying??
I wished someone can be here to lift me up through this difficult period… but there is none… Its so difficult right now, I can only grieve and cry in silent….
The cancer is robbing her away from me bit by bit, day by day…
as if I’m the one waiting for the report… the wait was short but i actually felt so long…
today we went back as scheduled, doctor said she was responding well to the treatment..
I’m glad… she is always so strong…
Doctor asked her again whether she knew why is she sick… surprise to us, she forgotten…
She forgot everything pertaining to her illness, even though the first time she was the one who asked the doctor and she knew but the memory somehow get erased from her mind…
Doctor(Ben) told her again her condition and this time round, he told her it’s the advance stage, there is no cure… grandma kept quiet and then told Ben that why is she healthy all along, until now she gets sick… she said out of patients who got cancer, all will die…
Ben was trying to make her positive, he tried by telling her we all got to die someday… no ones know when will that be… it’s a long way she live till now, then got sick, she live quality life throughout the years rather than being sick…
Somehow grandma looked troubled, she seemed to have a lot of things going through her mind again like when the first time she knew her condition…
Ben said its normal for patient to forget that they had terminal illness… patients like my grandma who feels well won’t accept the fact that she is sick…
There is nothing more the doctor can do for her… radiotherapy is the last option that can prolonged her life… the rest very much depend on herself… the treatments are not meant to cure her but meant to make her feel better so as to live the remaining days more fruitful and living quality time till the last moment…
It hurts to hear what the doctor say… its just like waiting to die… waiting for the day to come… even she is old and lived till now, was she not afraid of dying??
I wished someone can be here to lift me up through this difficult period… but there is none… Its so difficult right now, I can only grieve and cry in silent….
The cancer is robbing her away from me bit by bit, day by day…
Jun 26, 2007
That day...
The day she knew about it, she looked calm and composed.. It seemed I am weaker than her..
She is stronger than I had expected..
Everyone told us that the treatment will be too hard on her, everyone say she will not be able to take it.. we are in a struggle whether to let her go for it.. In the end we let her try.. she looked okie except feeling more tired than usual…
I prayed she will be able to pull through the rest of the sessions…
Its hard on her, its even harder on me… I was close to her, I cannot imagine the day she will be gone… I had prepared myself that when she aged, one day she will leave me but definitely not in this way…
Its hard on the family to break the new to those close to her…
Initially we were keeping from her the actual condition… Only until the doctor highlighted to us that we shouldn’t be selfish…
What if she had something to tell us?? What if she got something unfinished to do??
We should not take the chance away from her to do whatever she wants before its too late…
We heed the doctor’s advice….
Doc: Ah po, how are you today? Do you know why you are here??
Ah Po: Cause not feeling well..
Doc: Do you know why you not feeling well??
Ah Po : Some growth, is it I having cancer?
And the conversation goes on…
The doctor did not tell her directly what she is suffering from except to tell her its something that can’t be get rid off permanently..
The truth is cruel… the truth hurts… not only on me but on her as well…
I cried for few days… I can’t sleep, I can’t help but thinking that she will be away from me for sure… I can’t help but think why is life so unfair to her… well, life is never fair anyway…
But time does not stop at this moment… my life still goes on, I can’t be crying everyday… I learn to accept the truth… Its pointless to think why it become like this, why not that… in the end, I can’t change the fact… what’s the point??
I try as much as I can to lead life normally, treat her normally… I don’t want her to see me in pain, I want her to leave happily without worries… I tried to spend more time with her… For this is the only time I have to be with her… The last chance…
She is stronger than I had expected..
Everyone told us that the treatment will be too hard on her, everyone say she will not be able to take it.. we are in a struggle whether to let her go for it.. In the end we let her try.. she looked okie except feeling more tired than usual…
I prayed she will be able to pull through the rest of the sessions…
Its hard on her, its even harder on me… I was close to her, I cannot imagine the day she will be gone… I had prepared myself that when she aged, one day she will leave me but definitely not in this way…
Its hard on the family to break the new to those close to her…
Initially we were keeping from her the actual condition… Only until the doctor highlighted to us that we shouldn’t be selfish…
What if she had something to tell us?? What if she got something unfinished to do??
We should not take the chance away from her to do whatever she wants before its too late…
We heed the doctor’s advice….
Doc: Ah po, how are you today? Do you know why you are here??
Ah Po: Cause not feeling well..
Doc: Do you know why you not feeling well??
Ah Po : Some growth, is it I having cancer?
And the conversation goes on…
The doctor did not tell her directly what she is suffering from except to tell her its something that can’t be get rid off permanently..
The truth is cruel… the truth hurts… not only on me but on her as well…
I cried for few days… I can’t sleep, I can’t help but thinking that she will be away from me for sure… I can’t help but think why is life so unfair to her… well, life is never fair anyway…
But time does not stop at this moment… my life still goes on, I can’t be crying everyday… I learn to accept the truth… Its pointless to think why it become like this, why not that… in the end, I can’t change the fact… what’s the point??
I try as much as I can to lead life normally, treat her normally… I don’t want her to see me in pain, I want her to leave happily without worries… I tried to spend more time with her… For this is the only time I have to be with her… The last chance…
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