22/7/07
Grandma had been living well for the past few weeks, her appeptite is getting better, she eats more now...
she seems at ease though i don't know what is she really thinking most of the time... i tried my best to do whatever i can; things like getting what she loves to eat,drink, accompany her for breakfast, kopi... but there is only that much i can do now... i wish i had done more then... i fully understand that there is no point in dwelling over things that i did not do for her in the past, except to do whatever i can now if time permits...
sometimes i regretted...
Aunt will be coming of the month, hope it will liven up her spirit...
Doc's appt coming thursday, shall hear what the doctor have to say...

8 July 07

Today, grandma was in better mood..
Ever since cousin and aunt came last friday, she had not accompany them even for a kopi downstairs.. She keep saying she not going coz its unconvenient..

She drank her favourite kopi, chit chat away with my aunt… she was joyful…
Its had been some time she talked so much and laugh so much..
She was joyous to see my aunt (her brother’s eldest daughter).. she flew to here just to see her after knowing she was sick… Probably this will be the last time she see my grandma…

Grandma scimp and save most of her lifetime… she never really enjoy herself… now she said even when she wants to eat something good, she can’t… saving up so much money is for no use now…

For the past few days, she seemed to forget that she is sick again… talking to my aunt about recovery, this and that… its not a bad thing either, this way, grandma will live happier instead…

She is getting thinner now, her arms is only bones with the loose flesh dangling… she was not like this last time… It really pains me to her getting thinner day by day… the cancer is eating her bit by bit…

There are nothing I can do… I feel so helpless in time like this…

I’m afraid her condition will deteriorate very fast…

28 June 2007

My heart was beating fast….
as if I’m the one waiting for the report… the wait was short but i actually felt so long…
today we went back as scheduled, doctor said she was responding well to the treatment..
I’m glad… she is always so strong…

Doctor asked her again whether she knew why is she sick… surprise to us, she forgotten…

She forgot everything pertaining to her illness, even though the first time she was the one who asked the doctor and she knew but the memory somehow get erased from her mind…

Doctor(Ben) told her again her condition and this time round, he told her it’s the advance stage, there is no cure… grandma kept quiet and then told Ben that why is she healthy all along, until now she gets sick… she said out of patients who got cancer, all will die…

Ben was trying to make her positive, he tried by telling her we all got to die someday… no ones know when will that be… it’s a long way she live till now, then got sick, she live quality life throughout the years rather than being sick…

Somehow grandma looked troubled, she seemed to have a lot of things going through her mind again like when the first time she knew her condition…

Ben said its normal for patient to forget that they had terminal illness… patients like my grandma who feels well won’t accept the fact that she is sick…

There is nothing more the doctor can do for her… radiotherapy is the last option that can prolonged her life… the rest very much depend on herself… the treatments are not meant to cure her but meant to make her feel better so as to live the remaining days more fruitful and living quality time till the last moment…

It hurts to hear what the doctor say… its just like waiting to die… waiting for the day to come… even she is old and lived till now, was she not afraid of dying??

I wished someone can be here to lift me up through this difficult period… but there is none… Its so difficult right now, I can only grieve and cry in silent….

The cancer is robbing her away from me bit by bit, day by day…