二零零九

Year 2009 is coming to an end

This year is filled with lots of fun, laughter and sadness
I gain a lot this year but at the same time I lost a lot too.

There were lots of 1st time this year. (“,)
Lots of activities that I never thought I would be able to do it.
But I am glad that I made it through all of them

I climbed a mountain, Mt KK
Tough but the experience is all worth it
The friends who helped me along the way, thanks for making it happened!
Its an experience that shall stays with me till the end

I ran a 15km, my first
Tiring but it taught me its mind over body
If I persist, I can do it

I ran a 10km trail, my first
Not easy especially on the sand
But I have to make it through, I’m glad I finish it on my targeted time

I ran a 21km, my first challenge before the year ends
Never trained enough for it
Never thought I will be able to do it
Nevertheless I set my targeted time
It’s a painful journey
I wanted to give up
Staying focus is the only way to get me to the finish line

I climbed a volcano
1717m high in sundress and slippers
I think I m mad!
Shivering in cold, enjoying the moments when the sun rises
I can’t tell you how it feels, you have to experience it yourself
See it with your own eyes.

I went on tour with my long time buddy
A first after we known each other for 16 years!
Gosh it was indeed a long long time
Lots of fun and I saw another side of my buddy
Everyone had a weaker side of themselves

I lost a loved one
Someone dear to me all these years
The pain I can’t describe, the moments I can’t forget
But time does not stop, my life still moves on
I can only keep the love that I have in a locket forever

Looking back 2009, this year is fulfilling
I have done a lot of things, push my limits to the furthest
I ‘m glad 2009 is a year to remember, with the good and bad
I embrace year 2009 and looking forward to 2010
Looking forward to new challenges and new resolutions!

A heap of Question Marks

I wish someone would tell me what to do
I wish someone would tell me how it will goes
I wish someone would show me the way

I wish you could have tell me more
I wish you could have the guts to start
I wish you could have wanted it hard enough

Good or bad I hope time will tell
Is time my enemy or my best friend

How I wish that my wish will come true soon

十二月六日

十二月六日- 这天将冲满我对你的思念

两年已过，我依然记得那一天
我想这辈子我都无法忘记
过去的点点滴滴在脑海里浮现
为何你不曾出现在我的梦境里？
我想推开过去却又害怕从此忘记

这两年来发生了许多
一个正在复原的伤口
又再次被掀开
那种痛楚非言语能形容

请愿谅我无法在这一天
现上我的问候
但请相信我，你将永远在我心中

若你碰到他

“若你碰到他，替我问候他，祝福他和她的另一半。。”


是否有那么一首歌触碰你的心？
在歌声音乐下回忆慢慢涌至脑海

就算只是回忆，你也陶醉在其中。。。

The REAL Run

I ran a run, a new balance REAL run.. Gosh! It was tough!

Lucky I managed to push myself again to finish it without stopping along the way.
There are times I felt like stopping, and having seen lots of people walking along the way even tempt me further to just stop and walked back to the finish point.
I told myself “If I were to stop, rest and walked now, I will surely walked all the way back! “
Again, it’s mind over body. I managed to drag myself slowly back to the finishing point. I am glad I did it! Though the timing does not exceed my norm but still I feel a sense of little achievement completing it. This adds on to the number of different runs I participated in.

Running have not been an enjoyable sport for me. I never like it. I used to just run for the sake of running, because this is the only form of exercise for me as I do not do other sports. Slowly I develop a keen interest in running. It keeps you focus. Somehow It trained you to be focus as there is only one goal in mind; that is to finish the run and back to the finishing point. And of course there are my wonderful kakis who have been running with me. They have added the motivation to run regularly and to take part in runs.

Though I have no idea how am I going to finish half marathon during the year end Standard Chartered Run, I am still looking forward to it ! ;D

wHY..

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why people have motives,why can't they be real?

有时在想谁才是真正的朋友
到底谁才是对我真心
俗语说 “日久见人心”，这是真的吗？
为何人要过的如此复杂，难道就不能简单一点吗？

Sometimes you feel that you are closed to this particular person and you shared almost anything with this person. But in the end, what you have been through only makes you more disappointed in them.

I have learnt not to ask why...

Love Hurts...

Time flies, it have been more than a month.
Things seemed to be the same, except for new arrangement of furniture.
Times I still feel his presence, I still longing to see him again
But it’s only a faraway thought , never will my wish be fulfilled.

Love lingers no matter how much time passes by.
Love never fade no matter how hard I try to put in behind me.

Love never dies..

Not really a Marathon.. (",)

Took part in “Canon photomarathon” on sat, it was really a fun event!
They will announced a theme (a total of 3 themes for the day) for all the participants to crack their head and think what to shoot and then back to the event hall for downloading of the photos. There will be a panel of judges to evaluate the photos and pick the top 3 winners for each theme.
The themes were:

1. Togetherness
2. Motion
3. Energy

The last one is quite tough!!

It was the tight timeline that added the adrenaline to the whole event! I was rushing and thinking at the same time what to capture that was suitable for all the themes, Up till the last theme, I was very exhausted!! My brain doesn’t seems to function as much.. haha..

To me, its not about winning but to experience the whole event. Even though I was really tired ; I have woke up 5.20am in the morning and the whole event ends at 1030pm !! Can you imagine how tired I am at the end of the day?!
But it’s worth every minute of my time, afterall the experience is fun and fulfilling.

Next year I shall be back , hopefully with more creative ideas!

12 Sept 2009 - A day I will ever Forget...

Sept 12 Morn around 830

A call from the hospital sets us dashing our way; as fast as we could..
Along the way I keep telling myself, its just another call from the doctor..

I was wrong

He breathes hard

My heart sank...

There isn't enough time
There is so much that I want to say
There is so much I want to do together with him
There is just too much I have not done

I have my regrets
I knew very well those regrets will forever stays with me

But now I know he went to a place without anymore suffering
I know he went to a faraway land,but still looking upon us wherever he goes

I know he is still by my side forever, just in another form..

I love you Dad, you are Great!
Looking after me, protecting us in every way..

The Least I can Do..

Finally, he is back home;
a place he is so familiar with
a place he had lived for almost 30 years
a place that meant so much to him

I understand why he is so keen to want to go home
for home; a place that brings warmth to his heart

I am sorry , really sorry for bringing you home a little too late
I hope its not too late at all
This is the least I can do for you now

It pains me when I see you suffer
It pains me when I can't offer any help
It pains me when all I could do is only that much

Zest, Colour, Strength

When dad was diagnosed with the disease, the idea of capturing the remaining journey to the end came to me one day. Don’t ask me but it just came to me that particular day.

那是一个强烈的感觉。。。

I shared this idea with my friends, some agree, some feels it’s too harsh to capture your love one’s remaining days. I agree. Who will have the courage to do so? Even if you asked me to capture someone’s else remaining days, I might not be able to do so too. Not to say my very own father.

Coincidentally there is a photo exhibition by Deanna Ng “Life Before Death”
The photography project aims to document the legacy of hospice patients and the terminally ill.

I want to do something like this for my father. A legacy.
The idea 是 强烈的。。
But I don’t have the courage to move on, I don’t have the courage to do it.
I could not bring out the strength and resilience of him for I seen none.

I see no colour, I see no zest and no strength. What is left is the breathing which he painfully gasping, breathing in and out, harder each day.

I was reading a book by Tony Parson “Man and Boy” and so coincidentally, the story talked about the lead character’s father who is terminally ill. Tony Parson wrote:
“There are things that could be done but there is also nothing that can be done. My father is dying.“

This is how I am feeling now. Yes the doctor do all that they could to prolong his life, to make him feel comfortable. But now, even the last resort failed to do its job.
There is nothing that can be done now. I just hope that he will be comfortable, he will not suffer pain. This is all that I hope for.


Abstract from Deanna Ng’s Photography Exhibition:

I saw courage instead of fear
I saw happiness instead of despair
I saw love instead of resentment
I saw life instead of death

Death does not have to be sad

As much as I wanted to celebrate his final journey with courage, happiness and love.

I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Death is the final journey which each and everyone of us will need to go through.
我们知道的。。
但就是无法坦荡荡的面对。。

Contradictions of Life

The condition is getting no better. Even till now, he can’t breathe properly, he gets breathless most of the time.

He can’t eat, times for dinner when I feed him, he can only eat few mouth of food. He always say 不要吃太饱，很胀。He is afraid of the fullness and that’s why he cuts down on eating a lot of food.

I see him getting thinner and thinner. There is barely flesh, all I can feel is his bones.
Doctor says his condition is not on the good side. He further says that if in event his hearts fails, they will not revive him. Is the doc telling us that its happening anytime from now?

He is being put on chemotherapy now despite he is so weak. I think this treatment will further deteriorate him.

What's the point of controlling the situation now in order to suffer more?
What's the point of prolonging the life if there is no quality?

Its hard to make a decision not to go for chemo cause eventually we still want our loved ones to go on longer... there are so many "what if"
what if the chemo works, what if the chemo kills some of the smaller cells, what if....

Ultimately if there is a chance, we have to try... we cannot take that chance away from him...

That is the only way now..

你不要沮丧...

That day mum said to dad
“你不要沮丧，不要但心， 这里有医生帮你。
你自己要振作。。“

I fought back my tears, afterall I got no courage to say that to dad. I’m afraid that once I said, I will cry but mum did it on her own. Yes on her own.

Dad nodded his head, he knows what mum is trying to tell him.

Dad is weaker, as the fluid in the stomach getting heavy, it stopped him from eating more. He couldn’t sleep well too. I see him deteriorating each day.
There are so many feelings that I can’t describe here and now.

That day I clipped his toe nails for he have no strength to even do so, that is how bad his condition is now. He tells me that times pass slowly. I have to encourage him that just tolerate these few days and then we can go home together. He just nod..

These days, he seldom talk coz it makes him breathless, he don’t see papers anymore, he simply don’t want to do anything.

I am helpless; to him and to my mum. I felt that all I can do is to be presence. At least that will let him feels that he is not alone. To let him feels that I am with him to fight this battle.

Friends told me to be strong. I know.
But It seems that it is not within my control.
Very much I wanted to be strong and able to let my dad & family pull through this ordeal, I find myself weak.

I find myself drift away in thoughts some of the time.

I think I must not fall for I am the pillar of strength ..

A closer look

For so long, I did not take a closer look at him..
He had grown so thin…in fact quite a lot…

He is weak..
He needs to take a rest after few minutes of walk
a far opposite of how he used to be, he used to walk a lot, he used to walk fast..

For a moment, I realized that he had aged a lot
I realized that 时间在他的脸上流下了痕迹
I realized that time had moved faster than I am

It’s a different feeling

That day I helped my dad to wipe his neck as he is unable to reach it.
I can’t describe the feeling but it is really different.

I have grown from a child to a big kid, this is the first time I helped him.
That moment, I felt sad.

He is always strong and agile, managing himself, taking care of himself. But now he seemed helpless. Even the simplest thing seemed difficult to him now.

Two years ago, I have seen how life can be cruel. I have experienced how life can be tough. But I have to hold on. Hold on to whatever strength I have and move forward.

A close friend once said, just like my trekking experience, I have to continue to move forward, moving towards the summit, there is no turning back. Now, it is the same thing, no matter how tough and difficult it may be, I can only move forward together with him and with strength.

This time really, there is no turning back..

It doesn't mean I don't care

I don't ask doesn't mean I don't care
I don't say anything doesn't mean I'm dumb
I don't cry doesn't mean I am fine

I am just holding on for as long as I can

The day I was overwhelmed (Back Dated)

7 Jun 09
Dad went to see the specialist in regards to his bloated stomach

8 Jul 09
He is extremely discomfort, brother and mum sent him to emergency where he is admitted. We were
told his white blood count is high which reason that he is fighting some kind of infection but we have to
wait for the doctor to tell us after they studied his case report.

9 Jul 09
He was sent for a CT scan. By late evening we met the doctor, he told us there’s a tumor in his
intestine which blocked the entire intestine and that explained why his stomach bloated because he
could not pass out any stools. In another words, what is inside the stomach are the dirty stuffs. Bad
news followed. It is a stage 4 and spread to the liver.

I prepared myself for the worst but still it was abit hard to digest the news.
Reality is cruel.

10 Jul 09
Doctor said they have to operate on him to ease the bloated stomach.It was done in the afternoon 3pm.

It was not successful. By 6pm we were told that a second operation is necessary and its an emergency operation which will be scheduled late at night 1am or later.

11 Jul 09
4.30am, hospital called that operation is scheduled and dad was wheeled to the OT.
10.30am, we reached the hospital, dad was warded to ICU for further observation. He looked well and said he felt better.

12 Jul 09
Around 10.30pm, we met the doctor, Dean Koh. He was visiting my dad and checking out his
condition. He told us the operation was successful and go as planned. After dad recovered from the
operation, he will be put on chemotheraphy.
We asked him is this disease aggressive, he could not give us a definite answer as he said he have
different patients reacting differently to the treatment. He told us that its stage 4, the aim now is to
control the spread and not talking about curing.

Trust me, we all know very well.
Jun 2007, we were told the same thing when granny was diagnosed. We know better than anyone else what we will be going through.

13 Jul 09
Visited dad in the evening, he looked tired and had slight fever. But other than that, he is
pretty ok


It is just seven days but it seemed a great deal of time. I am taking things as it comes, step by step.
Staying positive is important, getting prepared is essential.

Right now, I prayed for the best.

Mt KK Trip - One that I will Never Forget

On Mar 09, I have decided to embark on the trip to Mt KK, Sabah for trekking. Little do I know how is the trek would be or what should I be expecting. Neverthless I went ahead.

On Jun 09, the date to Mt KK drew nearer and nearer, I begin to feel fear. Questions circling in my mind ; Am I able to do it? Am I able to conquer it? Lots of unknown, I wasn't sure.

Finally Jun 19, I set off having said to myself that I would just try my best. ;D

The route to summit is challenging, dirt mud roads never seems to end. We had to walk and walk, no doubt I curse and swear, why am I suggesting this trip in the first place!

We trekked from morn 9.30am till 6.30pm just to reach the middle of the summit which is the guesthouse! By then I was straving and growing dizzy..I had my dinner and again I have to trek a little more to the rest house (Pendant Hut) where I will be in my wonderland. It was cold, never felt so cold before..

I never bath but washed up and wore all my clothes in preparation for the cold and freezing night ahead. I slept and soon its 1.30am , I had to dragged myself up again, READY for the finale!

The night is cold.. very cold
We start trekking uphill, climbing up every stairs.. soon I find myself hard to breath..
Its dark, the only source of light is from our headlight. It is not going to be easy, I tell myself I have to make it to the top.

The guys are great, they waited for me, guarded me along the way.
If its not me, they would have reach the summit on time to watch the sunrise.

This trip make me challenge myself, whether physically or mentally. I am glad I did it!
It is a trip that worth every sweat of it, every inch of muscles that contribute to the long long journey..

Am I too meddlesome??

I had been thinking through this recently.
I have encouraged a friend to make his point across, to confess his feelings, to make a stand. He did, but the outcome is not what he wants, even though he is well prepared for the worst.

How often do we prepared for the worst but yet still feel disappointed when the worst really happened? Well, I can say almost all the time. We are just contradicting ourselves through the whole process. Even though people always said prepared yourself for the worst and you won’t feel utterly disappointed if it really happens, blah blah blah. I think its bullshit. As a matter of fact, we can’t deny that we very much wanted the good to happen.

After the whole issue, I questioned myself again; am I right to encourage my friend to confess, would he rather live in the unknown as compared to knowing the truth? Seriously I could not get a right answer. Maybe it’s good that he knew the answer and move on or maybe he would rather stay in his wonderland. It’s up to individual to judge what is the best choice. I can’t decide for him but I guess I have tried my best to give him an overall picture of the whole situation.

One who told me you will have to jump into the swimming pool to know how deep is it, by standing outside the pool, you will never know how deep but to keep on guessing.

Well, shall we start today to jump in and see how deep the pool is? (,”)

“I am happy because you are unhappy”

“I am happy because you are unhappy”

I read this in “my paper”, I find it an interesting article.
It says many a time, when a relationship failed, one party will tend to follow through how the other party is getting on with their life. Whether has he found a new girlfriend, living a good life, etc etc.
Its human nature to want to follow through how the other party is getting on with their life. The demon inside ourselves will tend to hope that he will not be leading a good life when he left you, somehow this makes you feel better. Somehow..

I used to feel this way, I used to want to prove to him that I am in fact living a much interesting and better life ever since he left me. I want him to regret the decision he once made. But I begin to realize that I am living my life based on his, I am living my life not for myself but proving to him. I begin to lose myself in this struggle of proving game.

I soon let go, I live my life and not for anybody else. I dictate what I want in my life. What is over is already over, I should feel happy for him if he found a better love and succeed in what he hopes for.

Really, truly I hope the best for him..

InJustice...

(backdated)

Sometimes I don’t understand why people like to make assumptions on things they seen or heard.
Afterall what they had seen or heard are only part of the whole picture.
Humans are the weird creature who likes to assume how the other fellow human think and ultimately derive a conclusion based on their own judgment. This isn’t fair.

I don’t denied I am one of those who quite often a time assume what others think or perceive about me but I have learn not to. I realized time isn’t long enough for me to make assumptions. If I have never tried, I never know. If I never ask, I will never know. There is no right or wrong rule in this. Why would we want to just sit there and assume?

We should not judge anything or anybody based on a certain factor. To be fair, we must give enough time to justify them.

I decided not to be bothered by all the injustice. I am who I am.
It’s only stupidity of you to judge me in any way.
“Making Assumptions will only take away your time for pursuing more that you ever know"

Signals..

Sometimes we are blurred by signals, blurred by what we have seen or felt.
It depends on how we interpret the meaning of what we saw, what we felt.

We can choose to ignore it totally.
We can choose to evaluate it bit by bit until we have come to a conclusion.

Well personally I felt it’s too time consuming to evaluate it, at the end of the day, is it worth all the time and effort?

I will let things flows and if it’s meant to be, it will. It’s just too tiring to read into what the actual meaning is. We all live in this world for only once, how much time we spent wasting away to think about stuffs which in the end we might not even get to know the real answer? Seize the present moment and enjoy life.

Life is not about wasting it away speculating what is to happen or wasting it away thinking it might happen…

Seize the day and act, TODAY!

Photography

Recently I had been madly in love with vintage cameras, though they work pretty much the same but each of them are different in some ways, each has their own beauty. (“,)

I am lucky enough that all these vintage cameras are passed down to me by my dad. They were his treasure keeps for a long time. My dad was a vivid photographer last time. He had been actively snapping! Loads of black and white photos sitting in all the cabinets at my house proved the fact!

I am not there yet, it’s pretty hard to learn the technical aspects of photography and how each cameras works. I am still learning. My dad had been very patient with me. I hope in times to come, I will be able appreciate the beauty of each camera.

In this digital world we are in, vintage camera will be a challenge. The beauty lies in the suspense it gave to you. You will never anticipate the photo until you get it developed!

“Vintage camera; a timeless beauty where you will never be able to anticipate what surprises it able to produce”

The Virtual World..

Would you for once serious of a friend whom you met over the net, someone whom you have no common connection through a mutual friend?

I mean we shouldn’t labelled all people over the internet as faked, I believe there are still people who genuinely wants to expand their circle and make more new friends.

Well to a certain extend, I am still skeptical of such friends over the virtual world. I mean, they suddenly popped up, tell you how they found you over millions millions of profiles online. Hmmm…. Fate? Coincidence?

For a start, they will aggressively sms, email or whatever forms of contacts, then after a while, they seemed to slowly disappeared into the thin air, left without a trace. Should I not be skeptical in the first place? Or should I say what is their intention in the first place? I still believe friendship takes time to build it on, take efforts to let it last.

It’s up to you to believe or should believe.

One who told me if I’m skeptical towards something, I will never never going to believe in it even if it is real. I should let go of my skeptical thoughts in order to allow something to happen. Well, should I?

I think It makes some sense though – let just say if you have bad experience once, that doesn’t mean you will and always encounter the bad experience, is that right? But being humans, when we fell and hurt ourselves, we remembered the pain and we have the phobia to try again even though we are not sure if we are going to get hurt again, we are just chicken, afraid to try again. Keeping in mind that we once fail.

There are always two sides of story but we failed to see the other side of story. Holding on tightly to the bad experiences will make you lose out more in the good things that are coming along the way. We may not fall or hurt ourselves even though how much we think we are. Why not just let go of all the bad experiences and accept the good things with open arms? Even if it still failed, at least I had given it a chance to happen, by being fair.

Well it’s a risk that is to be taken.

Whatever it is, it’s your judgment call.

The last days, last min, last sec of Year 2008..

Going throough the Christmas shopping madness, am glad to have bought all friends a little gift I specially choosen for them..
I don't have the habit of giving pressie all Christmas but this year is different..
I feel the joy of giving, afterall Christmas is about giving & spreading the joy..

Christmas eve this year is a small gathering @ a long time buddy house.. no loud music, no clubbing, just wine, beer and majong to pass through the night of christmas...
Its quiet but surely nice! Not forgetting the pot luck @ a friend's house where there are just too many food!! I was drinking and eating for the whole entire day... Feel so sinful though but who cares!! Its only once a while...

New year 2009!! Celebration? hmm... not really..
its just a dinner and some drinking... plus of course some nice music... and there goes... Year 2009 arrived!

Year 2008 had been a bleak year with all the sadness,excitments, anger, you name it, I have it ...but thank god its over!
Goodbye 2008 and I shall embrace 2009!!

I promise; Year 2009 will be a fulfilling year with lots of joy, fun and many more...
Afterall Its how we conditioned our mind to see the greater things in Life...

Life is a mystery, good or bad we won't know...
But we can control how we want to perceive it to be..

I am glad that I have met lots of new friends and old friends who stood by me all these while when I needed them..
From the bottom of my heart:
* For those who had crossed my path, whether you bring me joy or sadness, I am glad that you are once in my life and the lessons you have taught me..
Everything happened for a reason, Everyone that came into our life for a reason..

With the end of Year 2008 brings a new beginning of Year 2009.
When there is an end, there is a new beginning!