Zest, Colour, Strength

When dad was diagnosed with the disease, the idea of capturing the remaining journey to the end came to me one day. Don’t ask me but it just came to me that particular day.

那是一个强烈的感觉。。。

I shared this idea with my friends, some agree, some feels it’s too harsh to capture your love one’s remaining days. I agree. Who will have the courage to do so? Even if you asked me to capture someone’s else remaining days, I might not be able to do so too. Not to say my very own father.

Coincidentally there is a photo exhibition by Deanna Ng “Life Before Death”
The photography project aims to document the legacy of hospice patients and the terminally ill.

I want to do something like this for my father. A legacy.
The idea 是 强烈的。。
But I don’t have the courage to move on, I don’t have the courage to do it.
I could not bring out the strength and resilience of him for I seen none.

I see no colour, I see no zest and no strength. What is left is the breathing which he painfully gasping, breathing in and out, harder each day.

I was reading a book by Tony Parson “Man and Boy” and so coincidentally, the story talked about the lead character’s father who is terminally ill. Tony Parson wrote:
“There are things that could be done but there is also nothing that can be done. My father is dying.“

This is how I am feeling now. Yes the doctor do all that they could to prolong his life, to make him feel comfortable. But now, even the last resort failed to do its job.
There is nothing that can be done now. I just hope that he will be comfortable, he will not suffer pain. This is all that I hope for.


Abstract from Deanna Ng’s Photography Exhibition:

I saw courage instead of fear
I saw happiness instead of despair
I saw love instead of resentment
I saw life instead of death

Death does not have to be sad

As much as I wanted to celebrate his final journey with courage, happiness and love.

I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Death is the final journey which each and everyone of us will need to go through.
我们知道的。。
但就是无法坦荡荡的面对。。

Contradictions of Life

The condition is getting no better. Even till now, he can’t breathe properly, he gets breathless most of the time.

He can’t eat, times for dinner when I feed him, he can only eat few mouth of food. He always say 不要吃太饱，很胀。He is afraid of the fullness and that’s why he cuts down on eating a lot of food.

I see him getting thinner and thinner. There is barely flesh, all I can feel is his bones.
Doctor says his condition is not on the good side. He further says that if in event his hearts fails, they will not revive him. Is the doc telling us that its happening anytime from now?

He is being put on chemotherapy now despite he is so weak. I think this treatment will further deteriorate him.

What's the point of controlling the situation now in order to suffer more?
What's the point of prolonging the life if there is no quality?

Its hard to make a decision not to go for chemo cause eventually we still want our loved ones to go on longer... there are so many "what if"
what if the chemo works, what if the chemo kills some of the smaller cells, what if....

Ultimately if there is a chance, we have to try... we cannot take that chance away from him...

That is the only way now..

你不要沮丧...

That day mum said to dad
“你不要沮丧，不要但心， 这里有医生帮你。
你自己要振作。。“

I fought back my tears, afterall I got no courage to say that to dad. I’m afraid that once I said, I will cry but mum did it on her own. Yes on her own.

Dad nodded his head, he knows what mum is trying to tell him.

Dad is weaker, as the fluid in the stomach getting heavy, it stopped him from eating more. He couldn’t sleep well too. I see him deteriorating each day.
There are so many feelings that I can’t describe here and now.

That day I clipped his toe nails for he have no strength to even do so, that is how bad his condition is now. He tells me that times pass slowly. I have to encourage him that just tolerate these few days and then we can go home together. He just nod..

These days, he seldom talk coz it makes him breathless, he don’t see papers anymore, he simply don’t want to do anything.

I am helpless; to him and to my mum. I felt that all I can do is to be presence. At least that will let him feels that he is not alone. To let him feels that I am with him to fight this battle.

Friends told me to be strong. I know.
But It seems that it is not within my control.
Very much I wanted to be strong and able to let my dad & family pull through this ordeal, I find myself weak.

I find myself drift away in thoughts some of the time.

I think I must not fall for I am the pillar of strength ..